Writing about the past has never been as magical as
writing about plans or the future. This is probably because the past will never
be as mysterious as the future, or at least I never had this enchanting feeling
about the past to have me inspired in writing about it. Ironically, History, for
me is one of the most fascinating topics there can be. This is because it
amazes me that things that happen in real life had been as exciting as that;
things I could not do, say, think or even dream about – but actually happened, in the
past, with other remarkable people. But MY past had never come close to what
remarkable things I am able to read in history books. Nothing in my life had ever seemed
to have been really worth writing about.
I am currently having writer’s block with writing my
May 2015 Monthly review. Nothing seems to be significant enough, emotionally. I
am not at all a famous blogger nor a famous personality so why do I feel the
need to search for something so relevant as to compare the happenings in my
life in a month to something as phenomenal as, I don’t know - the life of Frida
Kahlo or Cleopatra or Marilyn Munroe? Or does the need to comply with a blog entry for the Month of May be my only basis for writing? Clearly, I
would not be able comply to my power mantra “Brilliance Over Glamour” if I
would just write non-sense stories or force myself to realize something I don’t
really feel in my heart, but rather as an advertiser, to only find a way to “sell”
the story. Personally, I do not believe that this is good writing.
Sadly, I cannot promise something good to come out but
I will do my best into making my story interesting. In all honesty, I strongly
believe that the reason for this writer’s block is because I feel nothing but
remorse, guilt and indifference towards everything – but mostly indifference. At this point in time, I just want to sleep but can’t sleep because maybe I am
not sleepy at all.
The difference with me and Frida, Marilyn, Cleopatra
or any remarkable man or woman is that they made their life remarkable. They did
something in their life that people can look up to. It’s funny how people tell
me I’ve already come so far but the truth is, the secret to my “humility” is
that I don’t really think of myself as that big-shot-something. I am nothing. I
can paint but in my mind, I am not good enough. I haven’t done my best. And
personally, I think being not contented at all with myself is a good thing. It makes me want to
do more and be more. I am not at all proud of my “achievements” because I know
I have to seek for even bigger things, bigger mountains to climb and pass
through.
And really, grades are not that of a big deal. I have to give all my thanks to God because I got the grade that was more than what I expected but you
know, to be honest, I never thought of people with high grades as superior to those who aren’t in the dean’s list. It’s funny how some of the people I
know are disheartened or downed by how my grades are higher than theirs when
the truth is, I know they are better than me as experienced artists. And whenever I get the chance I
tell them that this shouldn’t be the case. Maybe the reason why people with
higher grades are in that position because they had been more organized than
the rest. People have to know that it is also important to become ever-diligent
and organized if they want to succeed at anything. What is talent if you don’t
know how to channel it?
The one factual story that makes me proud about myself
was that feature on Viva La Manika’s online exhibit which had been launched
this month. And frankly, I think I had been talking about it too much, so this
would be the last time I would ever bring it up. And also, just in case, I
think I should say this to somebody (because I have no plans of telling this to
my friends); I have been chosen to be the Creatives Head for Touchpoint for the
next academic year. It literally frightens me to be in this position because I
don’t feel like I am imaginative enough to do it but I am taking this as a
challenge.
- 8:44 PM
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